Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
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Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!