“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
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Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
This chloroform smells expensiv…
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Van Gone
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.