I feel seen.
You Might Also Like
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I put the mess in domestic.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”