HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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FINE, I WON’T.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out