My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
You Might Also Like
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long