-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.