Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
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Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.