Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?