The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby