The symmetry is uncanny.
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when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.