Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.