[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what