HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?