Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
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“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?