Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Your honor these allegations are
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.