if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
the best thing i’ve ever made
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.