Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
*limbos under the caution tape
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full