Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
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*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
your honor my client chooses dare
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?