I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
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Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
oh you wanna fight?!
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one