To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
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I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Oh we’ve met.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
181.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.