FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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termite twitter scares me
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Fights fire with marshmallows
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!