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The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive