Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
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My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Nice try Hitler
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I am, perchance
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling