something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
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Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help