everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.