Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
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Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
In case you needed to hear it:
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*