“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
You Might Also Like
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Potatoes were such a good idea
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Need this in my life lol
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.