[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
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Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
LOOOOOOL
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
dutch so unserious
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”