The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.