Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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Blew out my flip flop…
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class