having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.