If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
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demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.