a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
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people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Has science gone too far?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
The fall of Netflix
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.