Happy Halloween 🎃
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why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.