ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
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ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Bloody internet 😳
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.