If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.