I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf