I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
He died doing what he loved: being alive
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.