Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
You Might Also Like
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
the three branches of government
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?