Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Order here:
More here:
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
My therapist after every session
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.