my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
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This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.