If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
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[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.