i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.