Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn鈥檛 scared she was testing to see if I鈥檇 snitch
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I鈥檇 probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait鈥re you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I鈥檓 going to let you off with a warning
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn鈥檛 remember what my face looked like.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
#dalle2
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
The struggle is real! 馃ぃ #Cats #CatsofTwittter
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
This is a whole mood;
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
me: I don鈥檛 like other people鈥檚 kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don鈥檛 have any
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…