Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
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“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Introverted vegans go meetless
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.