i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
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My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.