Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
You Might Also Like
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
crochet youtube is brutal
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway