According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams