my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
You Might Also Like
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I am all good here, 😂😉
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Oh. My. God.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy