genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.